Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
i think my razor is having a panic attack