“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
A game married people play.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.