oh shit
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FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Genius idea!!
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.