Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Planet of the Apps.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
You sure about that?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?