Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW