Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
when someone rings the doorbell
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?