Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates