oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
79.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement