oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
<—- homeless romantic
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.