oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My favorite female superhero
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want