Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.