Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
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[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!