“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.