Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
liiiiiiiiike
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”