Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.


My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on


The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.


[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first


“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”



Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence


Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra


“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”


Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …