“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
pictures of spider-man
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]