Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Meow
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
looks legit
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead