Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
You Might Also Like
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Happy thanksgiving!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”