Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Breaking news:
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving