Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
X-tra spooky blend
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I wish this was real life…
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates