Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Same pineapple, same
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Thoughts
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.