Oh the world we live in…
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The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot鈥檚 Chief of Security.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I experienced this today. I decided I鈥檓 a genius. 馃槀
Let鈥檚 be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I鈥檓 not a rabbit.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill鈥檚 Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff鈥檚 badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.