Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.