Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
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Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.