Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders