Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
79.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
smartest karate player in the world
Uh oh…
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.