“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You Might Also Like
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?