“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]