Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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#Caturday
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”