Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today