Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
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Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.