@HollyMemphis

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

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@bossy_bootz

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

@Marcmywords2

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@lawyerthoughts

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

@Lhlodder

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

@TheHyyyype

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.