“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
You Might Also Like
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Is this you?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy