“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.


Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.


I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing


First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.


Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.


[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?


I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.


My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.