Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.