oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.