“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Rooting for the overdog
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
me linking you to my twitter
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it