oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music