oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
put ‘er there pardner!
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.