@River_Niles

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

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@ShutUpThatsWho

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

@kevinthedad

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

@nickykens

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@TomSchally

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

@WaterstonesTCR

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.