OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.