Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Accurate
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]