Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.


When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.


me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security


me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna


Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”


I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then


I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.