@Sean_Hegarty My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
@GinAndJif Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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@Sean_Hegarty 
@UncleDuke1969 you gotta be faster
@NouRahif “Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
@TheReal_AndyMac When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
@lukejarret me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
@mrjohndarby me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
@VancityReynolds Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
@hog_mild inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
@HMittelmark I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
@BradBroaddus I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.