Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
<- sleeps well with others
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”