Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.