“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*