Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I am a gravy boat captain
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable