Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
You Might Also Like
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned