Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
それは草