Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
me hitting on a model
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Monday
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen