Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
True statement👍😏😁
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
This is my brand.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.