Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.