Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Social Media and Real life
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*looks at you in batman voice*
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Brother?
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.