Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.