Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD