Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
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LMAO.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things