Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

i- i did not expect this

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.