oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
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I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches