Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Pot warmers of the day.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: