Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.